Talk Less, Say More
“Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” Proverbs 17:28
Any of you who have read my blog of 9/3/19 will recognize the title of this blog as the third pillar of the Cowboy Code of Integrity. We talk too much. Have you ever said something and then thought to yourself, “Why did I say that? That was stupid.” I know I have plenty of times. Abraham Lincoln is credited with a saying that seems to be based on the first part of this verse in Proverbs. He said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt!” The second part of the verse, though, expresses the value in remaining silent at times. It is really more important to listen than it is to speak. I can be sitting in a waiting room, strike up a conversation with a fellow patient or client and by the time that one of us gets called into our appointment, I can tell you how many children the person has, where they live, if they go to church and if so, where, what they do for a living, where they are from originally, etc. They know nearly nothing about me because they rarely reciprocate. But that’s OK. Most people are not all that interested in the lives of strangers.
There is an old nursery rhyme that goes like this: “A wise old owl sat on an oak. The more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why aren’t we like that wise old bird?” Many folks just have to get their “two cents worth” in, and sometimes what they have to say is not worth “two cents”. But I suppose everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. People have lost the art of listening. Those who listen attentively are the ones who learn. In his book, Out of the Ordinary, author David Roper gives several things that he has learned about listening. “I am not listening when: I’m thinking about an answer while others are talking; when I give unsolicited advice; when I suggest they shouldn’t feel the way they do; when I apply a quick fix to their problem; when I fidget, glance at my watch, and appear to be rushed; when I fail to maintain eye contact; and when I don’t ask follow-up questions.” Two of his points about not listening can be combined into one: when I have to top their story with my own or when they share a difficult experience and I come back with one of my own. That last one really bugs me. We have all heard the account of the President who attempted to comfort parents of soldiers who were killed recently in Afghanistan by spending his time talking about the loss of his own son. When folks are grieving over the loss of a loved one, they do not desire to hear another’s story at that time. Later, maybe, but not now.
When folks are going through tough times, they just want someone to listen to them, to know that their lives matter to others. Concentrated listening is an art. There are times when I have listened to another speak who was so detailed and thorough with their story that by the time they finished, I had drifted off into the twilight zone, and then the person would ask a question, and I would be embarrassed because I had tuned them out. As a suggestion to the one who is speaking, it is good to be brief, that is, give enough of the detail to tell the story, but don’t include things that really don’t have anything to do with the story. People’s attention span is just so long. When giving a prayer request, one doesn’t need to give all the gory details in order for people to bring up the request to the Lord. He knows everything about the situation. Sometimes a prayer request can turn into gossip, “I’m just telling you all this so you will know how to pray.”
It is fascinating at how much we can learn by keeping our mouths shut. Perhaps that why God gave us one mouth and two ears!