Responding When Offended

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.  And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”  Matthew 18:15-18

It seems like this day and age, everyone is offending everyone else.  Some folks get upset when others don’t have the same opinion, beliefs, or political preferences as they do.  Judging by the political climate, there are some who don’t even think others should have an opinion if it is different from theirs.  As Christians, we expect to be offended by unbelievers, and we know that we offend them because we are Christians.  In this passage, Jesus is focusing on offenses between Christians, and had been instructing His disciples of the dangers of being one who offends or causes others to stumble in their walk with Christ, a serious matter.  But what about when the offense is against us?  What are we to do?  Jesus gives us the exact blueprint to follow when hurt, used, shamed, wrongfully accused, or not treated in a Christlike way.  Jesus was implying that our response when offended is an indication of our true identity.  If a fellow Christian does something against us in violation of Christian principles, we are to approach the offender in a loving, calm manner and rationally discuss the situation.  For example, if another Christian started or repeated a rumor about us, our reaction is not to retaliate by spreading rumors about the offender.  Society tells us, “Don’t get mad, get even”, but that is not a solution.  That only escalates the matter, involves others who take sides, and usually ends badly.  When an offended person reacts in such a way and refuses to take the “high road”, he or she becomes like the one who is the offender.

If the offender is sensitive to God’s leading, he will likely repent, ask for forgiveness, and we can remain friends.  This would be the ideal outcome.  But what if he doesn’t repent?  A person can get so far away from the influence of the Holy Spirit that he or she refuses to listen to reason because pride has begun to take over.  In this case, we are to approach the offender again, but bring along one or two witnesses, preferably friends of the offender.  If we bring strangers, he might feel like he was being “ganged up on”.  He might feel intimidated to repent outwardly, but with no real change inwardly.  If the offender is still too full of pride to see the error of his way, then a more drastic step is to be undertaken.

The one offended is to bring the matter before the entire church, the body of believers.  We don’t hear much anymore about church discipline, but Jesus saw a real need for it.  How much better to confess, repent, and ask forgiveness before having to be confronted by the entire church body and having all the church members be told of one of their member’s offense.  About 20 years ago, there was a woman in my former church who stood before the entire congregation and confessed her sin.  I don’t know whether she did this of her own accord or whether she was encouraged to do so.  It was such a shocking scene that I still remember it vividly.  It was highly embarrassing for not only her, but to everyone who heard her that day, especially her family.  Perhaps she wanted to squelch rumors and “come clean” with the truth or perhaps she was trying to warn others from walking that same road of sin and shame.  One thing is certain:  it is always best to immediately confess sin and turn from it rather that continue to sink further into it.  The longer a person goes without repentance, the harder it becomes.

After an offender is brought before the entire church, but still refuses to acknowledge his or her sin, asking forgiveness of the Lord and from those who were offended, there is no recourse left but to enact what we would call today “tough love”.  Jesus said to treat the offender as a heathen (one who has no relationship with God) and a publican (a hated tax collector), not to punish, but to isolate him or her to give time for reflection upon his or her behavior and give the Holy Spirit opportunity to bring conviction upon the offender.  When he or she does repent, those who were offended have the duty to receive the repentant offender back into fellowship.  Since God has forgiven us, He expects us to do the same among our Christian brothers and sisters.  If the offender still refuses to acknowledge his or her sin, repent, and be reconciled, he or she will walk a dangerous path and give account to the Lord.  The main thrust in Jesus’ instructions concerning those who offend is that the peace and unity of the church be preserved.  Attempting to “sweep the matter under the rug” is the same as condoning it.  It might keep the peace for a while, but in the long run, it will destroy the unity and harmony of the church.